Solving for X

So any girl who has dated and hasn't shockingly found the last papaya in the dessert (a.k.a. "love of her life") on the first go knows what an ex is. That person who once, in a completely different light, seemed like a wonderful person and made the butterflies flutter. However, at a certain point, known as the break-up, the person is no longer so wonderful and the butterflies settle back into the cocoon that is being single, that is, until the next person comes along.
You cry, eat ice-cream, or sometimes in an ultimate proclamation of freedom dance your way out of coupledom. We all know break-ups, some of us far too well, and for the lucky few it results in a fabulous friendship with awkward moments such as "Yes, I have seen your balls, your testicular operation pictures won't faze me as much as the next person." (Yes, that is non-fiction). But let's be real, for the most part the X factor is not as rounded as testicles. You hate him, hate the bleep that he cheated on you with, hate his small mannerisms that once seemed cute but eventually became tedious. Maybe you just hate him for his lack of X in his chromosomal composition and by definition, end up hating all men. Cynical and single, you don't want to see the bastard under any circumstance and will resort to evasion and slander.
Today, however, I do not question hate for the ex because that is much understated. Today, I wonder what happens after that hate has dissipated, you've met new people and don't think about stabbing him when you hear "your song." After all that time, what happens when he reappears into your life in your Facebook news feed, quiet yet set in virtual stone. You stalk him, find out he's let his hair grow out and finally acquired a fashion sense. And the sentiment re-emerges. That feeling that you buried so long ago with slurs and confidence that he was just not that great. Then what? Was it just not meant to be and you're being stupid just because you're single, and let's admit, a little lonely? That you're channeling your hopes into something because at some point you were both attracted to each other? That even though you stated otherwise to your friends (and anyone who would listen) during your beak-up, he was in fact, a great kisser? That as a more mature, more experienced person you could finally appreciate those minute things that bothered you? Could it just have been wrong timing?
There is no/yes answer to any of this. There is the possibility of trying again or just ignoring that urge the same way you would ignore a craving for a triple chocolate muffin while dieting. But then, how would you even approach that? Daring girls will just send a message saying, "Hey how are you?" Unfortunately, I'm not that type of person so along with the rest of you hesitant girls, have no option but to hope for a Carrie and Aidan encounter or simply move on, once again. All in all, taking a chance may entail falling into the same old confusion that warned you in the first place or, under the right conditions (and conditioning-if you know what I mean), you might have just solved for x, having had the variable there all along.

Hi.

So I really don't know how to start this and truth is, I have no idea what I'm doing. Nevertheless, as a 20-year-old girl who watches way too much Sex & the City, I feel an urge to express my own doubts and queries about relationships and life in general. Sure, I'm not looking for my "Mr. Big" but I still want something, well, big (No pun intended, I promise). Don't worry, I'm not a Carrie Bradshaw wannabe or anything like that. Quite the contrary, I mostly wear black and live far away from Manhattan. I'm just another girl with many questions looking for a productive outlet. So here I go today, posting my first post (well, second after this one)and, who knows how long this will last but while it does, why not have fun with it? Eskimos say apersorpok when they want to ask a question so, apersorpok here I go.